8 years ago today

8 years ago today, I woke up on my friend's couch next to my then husband. We had to get up early and headed to the hospital. It feels like a dream now and I can't even tell you what I was thinking then. Even as we drove I didn't feel like I was miscarrying. I was spotting but that was about it, nothing big, no giant red flags or flashing lights. When we got to the hospital, we went to pre-op and they got me ready to go back. One moment I will never forget is when the nurse asked me to go pee in a cup and then went to do whatever test they do on it. I was talking to my friend when the nurse came back in and looks me dead in the eyes and asked, "Did you know you're pregnant?" Yep, the nurse who was getting me ready for my D&C just asked if I knew I was pregnant. I could have killed her. Instead, my friend calmly asked her if she knew what I was here for and the nurse looked at my chart and looked like someone just smacked her. I was in tears by this point and the nurse excused herself and sent in a new one.

When I woke up from surgery, a male nurse was standing next to me talking. I felt sick from the anesthesia, so he gave me some medicine for pain and my stomach. I felt like I was in a daze. My husband came back and after I was able to keep some food down, they let them take me home. The next few days were a complete haze. I don't think I took my husband to work or watched my niece for at least a couple days after. I was a mess, but after I physically healed, I made myself too busy. I had so much going on so I wouldn't think of what had just happened. After that my marriage dissolved quickly, we divorced less than 5 months later. I swore off ever having kids and started taking the pill religiously.

Getting so close

8 years ago today, we had out final ultra sound with Angel that confirmed that there was no heartbeat. In 5 days it will 8 years since I lost her.

The other day I was filling out paperwork for my rainbow for full day preschool and all I kept think was I should be enrolling my daughter in 2nd grade and I'm not. It's amazing how all the little things I do with my rainbow every day remind me of all I have missed with my angel.

My Angel and my Rainbow

My rainbow is about 4.5 years old now, so I figured he would be old enough to understand about his angel sister. I bought him the book "Someone Came Before You" By: Pat Schwiebert (Someone Came Before You) The book is mostly about a family who had a stillbirth, but since it doesn't come right out and say that, it works for a miscarriage as well. My rainbow keeps telling me that he wants another sister named Kaorie. I keep telling him that in a few years we will look into adopting a little sister for him, since I can't have anymore of my own. 

Since learning about his angel sister, my rainbow has been telling everyone we meet "Baby Kaorie died. Her heart stopped beating when she was in mommy's belly" He has made two women cry and quite a few people very uncomfortable. Talking about babyloss is very uncomfortable for a lot of people, but when a 4 year old tells you something like that it will pretty much stop you in your tracks. I don't want to tell him not to talk about when he feels the need, most of the time he says it, it's completely random. But the looks people give him and the fact that they look like he just cussed at them, I feel like might discourage him. I know that a lot of you will have many different views on this. I feel like I have spent so many years not talking about her, and not including her in our lives that now that my rainbow knows and understands, as much as a 4 year old can, that now is the time to include her in our lives. I know a lot of people will not be comfortable with this and since he is going to full day preschool in the fall, I need to kind of teach him to filter when and where and who he tells about her. I don't need to a call from his teacher telling me he taught the other students that babies die. That's completely up to their parents. I also don't want him to feel ashamed. 

Does raising a Rainbow ever get easy?